DOCTOR'S ADVICE - My Fiancé's Not Interested In Sex

• Q. Doctor, could you give me advice as to what I should do about my fiancé? We have been engaged for three months, and we have a wedding date for early next year. However, our sex life is currently at zero! We used to have sex a lot and I enjoyed it very much. But over the last 10 or 12 weeks, he seems to have totally lost interest in my body.  I asked him if there was anything wrong with his sex drive, and he told me no. In fact, he has admitted to me that he masturbates around four times for the week, and sometimes more than that. What is going on? Is there some way I can rekindle his sexual appetite for me?

A.  I have encountered this situation with couples before, where the man suddenly withdraws. In this case, it seems to have started at about the time that you got engaged.

I am afraid you may not like what I am going to say. This pattern of behaviour usually suggests that, deep down, this man no longer wants to continue with the relationship. So his mind tells him to stop having sex with his female partner. And he turns to self-stimulation instead.

There is one other possibility. Occasionally, a man behaves like that because he has suddenly 'lost his nature'. In order to hide this from his partner, he stops making sexual advances towards her. But in order to reassure himself about his virility, he resorts to regular masturbation.

I fear that what is really going on is that your man no longer wants to continue the engagement, and does not wish to go ahead with the marriage. Please prepare yourself for that.

All you can do now is to tell him that the two of you must sit down and talk things over, as soon as possible. In the meantime, do not get yourself involved in any unnecessary expenditure for the wedding - because there is a high possibility that it will not happen. Sorry.

• Q. I am a 26-year-old man and I think I have a lump in my testicle. I wondered if it could be cancer, but my friends say that I am too young for that.

A. Your friends are wrong. Cancer of the testicle is unlike most other malignancies, because the peak age for it is quite young. The majority of men who get it are in their mid-20s. You must see a doctor immediately. He will probably arrange an ultrasound for you, so that the exact nature of this lump can be established.

• Q. My husband and I are both 45, and we seem to have a pretty good sex life. But in your medical opinion, Doctor, how often should a couple our age be making love?

A. Well, there are no medical rules about this. Couples should make love as often as they want to. However, extensive research in the United States has shown that on average, couples who are in their mid-40s usually have sex just under twice per week.

• Q. I am a 37-year-old woman with two children, aged 16 and eight. Since 2005, I have been trying to get pregnant again, but to no avail. So I went to doctor and had some tests done. The results came back as bilateral tubal obstruction. When I look back at my life, I recall that some years ago I had an infection that took three years to clear up. Then finally I went to a gynaecologist and he cured it. It never came back, thank God. So I have some questions: Am I infertile? Based on what I have told you, do you think I can ever get pregnant again? If so, what can I do to get pregnant now?

A.  Well, your tests have shown that you have bilateral tubal obstruction. This means that both of your Fallopian tubes are blocked. If the blockage is complete, your eggs cannot get through from your ovaries to your womb. That is a common situation.

However, there is just a chance that the blockage is not complete, and that an egg could somehow find its way through. Sadly, that is not very likely. In most cases, the blockage occurs because the woman had an infection earlier in her life, and the germs attacked her tubes.

In your case, it is certainly possible that the infection, which went on for three years, was the one that blocked your tubes. But there is no way of proving that. Certainly, the blockage must have occurred after your younger child was born, because your tubes could not have been blocked at that time.

You probably are infertile, as it seems that your Fallopian tubes are blocked. Second, you can become pregnant again. Something can be done about your tubal blockage. And finally, you should go back to your gynaecologist and ask him if he can do something to unblock your tubes. Sometimes it is possible to unblock the Fallopian tubes by surgery, though that is difficult.

If surgery cannot solve your problem, the only other solution would be to have the 'test-tube baby' technique, also known as 'in vitro fertilisation', or IVF. Good luck.

• Q.  My husband wants me to watch porn with him on his computer. Should I agree?

A. Only if you really want to. Unlike men, many women do not find it very romantic to look at sex on a computer screen.

• Q. I am convinced that my wife has been unfaithful with a younger man. You see, Doctor, I found sperm stains on her night-dress. Could a doctor check these to find out if they were mine?

A. No. However, if you search on the Internet, you can find firms who would test these stains for you, to see if they contain your DNA or someone else's. But this would cost a lot and probably cause trouble in your marriage. Frankly, I feel you would do better to persuade your wife to visit a marriage counsellor. It will cost a great deal less.

• Q. I have just developed a candida infection. Does this mean my husband has been unfaithful?

A. No. Candida is not a venereal disease.